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Thursday, June 23, 2005

 Jeb kicks off 2008 campaign by necro-humping Terri Schiavo

Jeb sez:
I can't begin to express how much I miss Terri. Sure, I never met her, or her husband, or the doctors who treated her, but that didn't stop me and Tom DeLay and Bill Frist from scrambling atop her doughy shell of a body, then using it as a pulpit from which to announce America's unconditional surrender to the Christian Taliban. Why, I can almost still feel her sweet autonomic twitching through the soles of… my… my Florsheim penny loafers. (Sobs.)....

[H]aving indulged in a kind of necrophilia-lite when Terri was merely brain-dead, my fear is that some folks might think I'm flip-flopping if I didn't keep humpin' away now that's she's lung-dead and heart-dead, too.

As such, today I have ordered a murder investigation be launched, with Terri's husband Michael Schiavo as the prime suspect. Because if you ask me, there's nothing quite so suspicious as a man who stands up for his wife's wishes – for fifteen long years – despite overwhelming opposition, vicious ad hominem attacks, and threats of physical violence. Which is why – facts and evidence be damned – we can and will try and convict that powerless, mustachioed nobody through the media, thereby enabling me to ride his sweetheart's corpse bareback – all the way to the 2008 Republican nomination!


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